that moment where you realize

that your love is a decision

not a

passerby hopeless momentary thing of a victim

not a

romantic fucking movie scene where two lovers share a milkshake and love, fall in love, i’m so in love with you.

but i wish you were deeper and more complex and understood everything about me

immediately

i wish you were like him so tall and big and cuddly

i wish you would take off my shoes and care for me care for me care for me take initiative and care for me wrap your arms

your arms

you arms

his arms around me.

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cradling me

You show up in your big red truck

firefighter sticker windshield

just to hear your voice again I died

I set my life on fire the moment I gave you my address

I’m here

I’m here

I’m here

cradling me like a baby

I forgot what it felt like to be held by a giant,

giants

my primary

addiction.

Schizophrenia and fucked up cracks ebtween buildings a fictive world I wish to inhabit I must push push push myself further in this craft of writing

there are so many parts i dont know yet and so many places I want to dive into like an ocean breeze of something else and I want to fall

faaaaaaaaaallllllllllll asleep in your arms but i want you to be someone else someone that was never here and someone i have learned to fear and the addiction to absence is something else all together how could i ever

ever

ever

EXPLAIN IT TO YOU

semen in my mouth as i speak to you on the phone, you know,

oh god.

how sorry am i, really?

did i sign a contract? how could a contract hold any bearing on the YEARS before you

and EVERYONE that entered my life back then and stole a part of me

I didnt want any of this

but daddy i miss you.

new love.

you call upon my true self

it is there that you pull strings

which is beautiful and terrifying and suddenly im accountable

to my dreams.

my opulent options are

few

and my

cacophonous corruptions aren’t

new

I’ve got

a penniless name and a

renewable shame

I’ll sell it to you

for a dollar or two.

My dissentrious disconnections

with the opposite sex film collections

I’ve got

dissintegration as a middle name

a cliche for which I’ll feel the pain

I had

so much to say once but we

smoked it away

in basement apartments to songs we replayed

I kept my mouth shut cause I knew it

had been done

and I knew you’d heard it from another

the one you loved all along

and now we’re older,

you’re living your dream

“I wanted to be a surgeon”

He was only twenty

towering over me, his mannerisms

so flaily

Break a thing a two and scream

“I love you”

the smell of broken light bulbs and victory

the excitement of the score

a bottled moment to live for

we fight for the good life for

addiction recovery

I’ve been fighting the good fight

please, purify me

that moment is missing, it’s gone

it only comes when the wind calls it upon

itself

a new romance, a new ship

a new job, new lips

a new tattoo

adrenaline rush

I’m not so willing

to spend the bucks

and i’m not so willing

to get angry, anymore

maybe ani difranco was onto something

isn’t that what I told you anyway, it the record store?

this new love bringing hopes of new beginings and redemption

a clean slate

an opportunity to do everything right

and my previous victories

my momentary prides

my isolated gold medals

my serene, seamless strides

I thought they were flawless

but weren’t they defined?

wasn’t my thorough acceptance

hopelessly hinged

on the impending inevitable

rehearsed ending?

comfortable coccoons of pain I’d been practicing

for

living for the moment comes naturally

when you don’t fear the asphalt you’ve kissed

infinitely

so here we are

you and i

shining armour

shining knight

(whatever)

and we sit and talk about our demons

as if they’ve left the room

we pick them up for inspection

like kittens

by the nape of their necks

harmless and

leaving the nest

we talk about them as though

we’ve wrung them dry, we’ve

sucked all the lessons and triumphed goodbyes.

you fearlessly open your mouth to me about the fear

inside

and i stand their speechless because you are

everything I’ve cried for

and there’s just no sight of an ending here and I

don’t know if I can sustain this

I’ve battled demons and I’ve

conquered villains

I’ve

managed to shake off the last dirty dogs who hung

haggard and vicious

at my ankles.

but you,

you are none of those things and I

can’t take my fangs out at you

I can’t even close my eyes when I look your way

I am captivated, hooked

like a dirty dog

of impending doom

I find myself in the middle of the night, shaking

the demons awake

prying at their mouths,

please, please,

say something?

what is this place?

where is the dark?

where is the twisted tinge of hopeless melody?

where is the promise of pain I have prepared for?

this is a new place I have not prepared for.

so give me my demons and give me my bark

I want to chew

I want to scream

and I need a reason to be angry

I don’t want it to be you

I don’t want it to be us, not now, not this way

what did ani difranco say

if there were text messages back in those days she would say

you text me you’re thinking about me while i’m writing a poem about you

……….this poem

about you

and you say

that you think about me constantly

i’m so in love with you i could fucking die.

I’m just scared, you know?

Body image concerns have crept back up. along with overconsumption.

the time of year is perfect, the stress is perfect, the romance is perfect. I am in the perfect food nightmare storm. i can’t even run, because my hip is basically fucked. i feel bloated and mushy and overwhelmed and scared he wont like me
i’m scared that he will see me and change his mind
oh my goodness this is what i always do
what i always do when i’m a dash comfortable
its this wall
this wall i build
it’s stronger than anything else
and its easier than
wondering if
i’m cool enough or smart enought accomplished enough old enough

this way i can determine everytihng with one bite
i think i have control but i dont
not even for a day
running i could control
but was i controlling it really if it pulled my leg out of its socket????????????????????

school work
i want it gone
but if i cant deal with this life is going to behard
i want to deal with this
i want to i do
i want to be smooth and sailing and confident in what i am doing and breathing and i dont want to be weighed down by the food

emotionz

wow. there are so many when i’m at my mum’s.

 

it’s fucking hard. i want to numb it all with food and obsession and boys. it’s so hard to be present when im here.

 

she makes me feel unworthy of help and love

like i’m a terrible person

like there’s something so powerful and bad with me that i could harm her

that i always harm her

and im not worthy of help, or support

that i am a burden

that i am loved and cared for therefor must act accordingly

i hate it

it makes me hate myself

i just want to know where i get twisted

where she gets twisted

how are we so twisted

i;m so scared and yet not

 

That Old Familiar Darkness.

Gosh. the fatness. the fucking fatness. how does it NOT GET OLD?

 

it’s so FUCKING old! fuck!!

 

i’m fati’m fati’m fati’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat NOBODY LOVES ME I AM SO ALONE OMG i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat IM SO ALONE i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat WHY DOESNT HE LOVE ME i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat WHY DOESNT HE LOVE ME i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat I NEED HIM TO LOVE ME i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat I WANT HIM TO LOVE ME i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat WHY DONT THEY LOVE ME i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat NOBODY LOVES ME i’m fati’m fati’m fat I AM SO ALONE i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat

…………………..somehow that feels SO fucking good to write out. wow.

 

i feel like shit shit shit i feel so fat and he’s gone and i didnt think i would care maybe i dont care

i dont want to care!

i want to not care. i want to be whole and full and not triggered. and spiraled out into eating land. oh man.. i cant afford to eat shit all the time. i just fucking cant. i dont want to. i want to meditate and run every day and be fucking happy.

Michael Cera

I’m trying to be strong and spiritual and like, “over” crazy relationship shit.

and oh wow, this guy’s so different. he’s young. he’s smart, he likes the same things as me and then some. he’s unique and quirky and goofy. it’s weird because a part of me feels like i have the upper hand but also a part of me is awake enough to see and know that taht is bullshit. nobody ever has the upper hand, it makes no sense. 

so i guess what i’m trying to say is that i feel vulnerable. i feel innocent. maybe i too feel like i’m 21. 21. wow. so young. i guess that means that i’m so young now, and that when I’m 31 I’ll be looking back at being 26 and finding it young and cute. i should have fun while i can, right?

anyway. last night was so cute. i felt like i was pushing myself on him, which i do. i feel like i’m on fire and he’s this smooth metal and i don’t want to melt him. i want to be gentle like he is but i don’t know if i can.

i wonder what he wants. i wonder what he’s thinking. if it’s serious, what do i do?

and in fact, what do I want?

I want to get to know him,

I want him in my life in some capacity

I would love to keep seeing him over the summer and see where it goes

i’m aware that he’s young and we may not be in the same place in life very soon.

and that maybe our lifestyles won’t match up

so we can see how it goes and perhaps he won’t want to continue or neither will i.

but i would love to write letters and be adorable with him.